I don’t know exactly what’s up, but I seem to have lost my motivation. It’s been gone for a few months now. Give or take. Probably longer.

I realize I have a very nice roof over my head, I have my health, my family members are all alive and healthy, I have a good job with benefits, etc. Lacking motivation? For what?

But, whatever, this is my blog, so, yeah. Maybe I spend too much time at work, but I’m not sure of the “root cause.”  Maybe …

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I spend 40 (plus) hours a week at work. Giving a lot of fucks. I honestly do enjoy my work. I manage websites. It’s truly what I wanted to do “when I grow up.” I’ve been learning more about user experience and roadmaps and how to plan for enhancements – I’m getting away from strictly marketing and get to think about efficiency and how to communicate better. It’s great. What I’m actually communicating, you know, it’s not changing the world. So maybe that’s leaving a bit to be desired. The problem is the skills I have come at a cost, a cost that typically only for-profit companies can afford, so I’m a bit limited in that regard. How privileged am I?? Gah.)

And somehow, I inadvertently wrangled myself into 5 burlesque performances this month. I seem to be in a weird spot with burlesque. It’s starting to feel like work. And the work part, I don’t enjoy. When I’m actually in class, or at a performance, it’s fun!  But the preparation, having it hanging over my head “You have two performances this weekend; you’re performing every Saturday this month.” At the end of the day though (literally), it’s not like I would be doing much else on a Saturday night. And you know, nothing worth having/doing/etc comes easy, right?

And running. Fitness. Very little motivation. And I’m definitely beating myself up for that. I want to sign up for a race, I want to see if I can build up mileage again. But I have this fear. That running = knee pain = no fun. Granted, I haven’t really pushed myself to see what it’ll feel like, so yeah, this is just me talking myself out of it out of fear.

So … I’m not really sure how to find my motivation again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot though. In the meantime, here are some pictures of my 4th of July.

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Our lovely boat hosts

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This does not suck

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Is it fireworks time yet?    …..   How about now?

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Chicago, you so pretty

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