I think I’m losing my running mojo. Sort of.

So, the emo knee. Still emo. Predictably emo, at least. In that if I am not diligent about foam rolling & tennis balling, running won’t go well. And that was the story of this past weekend. I was lazy. I had time to roll & ball, but I didn’t. And then Sunday morning rolled around, time for a long run. And I knew it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t roll & ball like I should have. And why would my knee suddenly magically be fine? I made it 4 miles before the pain started, was able to tough it out until 6, and then that was it. The knee was done. So I walked the mile and a half back to my car. My goal was 10 miles.  I was on my feet for the amount of time it would have taken me to run 10 miles, even though I only covered 7.5 miles. So that’s something.

Yesterday I got a sports massage. I asked my massage therapist if this is my new normal. This is massage #3 this cycle. When I foam roll, I can run (I did manage 8 miles on the 4th of July.) But when I don’t, I can’t. My therapist said if I work on strengthening my core & hips, things should get better. So there’s that. And, you know, memo to self: Is foam rolling really that hard to keep up with?

So I don’t know if it’s just the frustration of my knee, and not being able to be a “lazy” runner anymore that’s causing me to feel like I’m losing my running mojo. Because I’ll be honest, I’m kind of not looking forward to the marathon. I don’t even mind all of the training – frankly, and I hate myself for caring about this, I wouldn’t mind losing some weight. I’ve always been of the “run because it’s awesome not because you want to reward yourself” mindset, but at the same time, even when I’m not training for a marathon, I eat like I am, and I’ve gained 20 pounds since my last marathon. That’s … not good. OK. Regardless of body image issues, that’s 10 pounds per year.  [For the record, my husband is stoked that I put on weight and am a little bit curvier. But I am selling all of my pants on Poshmark and wearing lots of stretchy dresses.]

I feel like if I didn’t have this issue with my knee (well, really, with tight muscles, it just results in pain around my knee), I would be stoked about the marathon. I like working towards goals. I like getting sweating and pushing myself. But I’m having a hard time enjoying training and focusing on those goals when I can barely get through 6 miles. How much foam rolling will I have to do to get through 26?

But really, I need to shutthefuckup because I have my health and if it’s just a case of freaking rolling around on top of a foam cylinder, I have nothing legitimate to complain about. 

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