After my last First World Problems post, Gingerfoxxx commented “I kind of want to see an entire FWP post of cat problems. We can’t have one because of Matt’s allergies, so I need to live vicariously through you.”
Well, I never want to disappoint my readers …
No matter what time it is, as soon as Olive hears my alarm go off, she spends the next 20-30 minutes semi-patiently walking all over/around me while I hit the snooze. Doesn’t matter if my alarm starts going off at 5:10am or 3:00am. She used to spend this time obnoxiously meowing, to the point that we would chase her out of the room and shut the door while we kept snoozing. (And then we had to listen to this on the other side of the door.) But apparently she’s learned and now she’s at least quiet. But I feel like these 20-30 minutes, every morning, are the looooongest 20-30 minutes of HER LIFE. Or day.
Having to wait 30 minutes for your dry food pellets … not having to kill your food in the wild … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
We only fill her food dish in the morning and evening. (BECAUSE SHE’S FAT.) When I’m at work or asleep, I try to remember to put her food dish up on a shelf so it’s not mocking her, but when I’m home, I just leave it out … empty. We also keep her food and water in our bathroom. So whenever her food dish is out and empty, and I make a move toward the bathroom, she is up and following me in there, thinking I’m going to refill her dish. Usually I’m just doing my own business, or walking past the bathroom (I promise I never yell “psyche!”), but I see this a lot:
No dry food pellets … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
My parents refer to Olive as my “velcro” because she often follows me around the house when I’m home. Because I’m the one who fills her food dish. Which as I mentioned, is kept in our bathroom. This means I am rarely in the bathroom alone. Even if I go in there and shut the door, I think the wood is slightly warped, so the door doesn’t latch. So Olive often pushes the door open (WHILE I’M DOING MY BUSINESS, the jerk) and saunters in. Of course she can’t close the door behind her, because she is a cat, and has a tiny little brain that doesn’t process how rude she is. Oh and she doesn’t have thumbs. I feel like that is her excuse for everything.
Being walked in on while in the bathroom …. FIRST WORLD CAT-OWNER PROBLEM.
(Sorry, don’t have a picture of this one.)
When you are a cat, your human overlords like to dress you in stupid costumes. Why? Because it makes the cats miserable. And cats are jerks. That’s why we like to torture them as humanely as possible. It is amazing how limp a cat gets once you force them into a costume.
Humans dressing you in stupid costumes and attempting to wrap you like a present … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
Speaking of torturing the cat as humanely as possible:
She has a permanent fur coat but was freaked out by snow. WUSS.
Being kept zipped up in a carrier when there is a tornado warning (wanted to be ready to go in case we had to make a quick getaway) … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
By far The Sailor is the worst at torturing her as humanely as possible. He is constantly antagonizing / teasing / generally trying to annoy the crap out of her. Better her than me, I say!!
Biggest threat is 6’4 human who is a teddy bear on the inside … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
I don’t have any pictures of him torturing her, but I do have pictures of me forcing her to snuggle. Look at how miserable she looks!
Stupid humans love me … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
She doesn’t have thumbs, so she can never read or use a computer. (But at least she’s a feminist, as evidenced by her reading material.) (OK, maybe that was staged.)
Inability to do anything other than eat, sleep and run around when experiencing “the night crazies” … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
Sometimes my mom likes to put birdseed right outside the door so the birds and squirrels (and sometimes mice) get so close … yet so far.
Domesticated to the point of helplessness … FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM.
She doesn’t have front claws. (I didn’t have them removed; I adopted her that way.) But not having front claws and therefore being unable to defend/feed yourself should she ever be without a human home is an actual first world cat problem.
Do you have a cat? Did I miss any First World Cat Problems?