Hey, guess what. It’s getting warm out there. You know what I hate? People who complain about the weather, as if they exist in some terrible weather bubble that the rest of us don’t experience. You know what I hate even more? Runners who complain about the weather, especially those who sign up for races. Oh, you signed up for a race during the summer or early fall, and now you have to run outside? And it’s hot out? Oh, I feel so sorry for you. Except I don’t. You willingly signed up for a race knowing you would have to train outside during the hottest months of the year.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEM. That I don’t want to hear about.
Exception: Anyone who races in unseasonable conditions, such as the death march that was the Rockford Marathon this past weekend, or the Get Lucky Half Marathon with 80 degree temps in March. Sorry Gingerfoxxx.
I’m sorry to hear that you have to get up early. And that you don’t get enough sleep. And that you hate (some or all of) your job. But guess what. You are an adult. Name me ONE adult (who you know in real life) who regularly gets enough sleep and completely loves their job. And I will show you a big, fat liar. So stop complaining about how you didn’t get enough sleep. And that your job sucks. (And maybe I’ll stop complaining about my ridiculous commute.)
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. That I don’t want to hear about.
Dear Cat, I’m so sorry that by the time I get home from work you are so famished that you are literally wasting away. And therefore whining. Loudly. Scratch that, your fat belly could stand for you to be wasting away. Seriously, you are somehow related to lions, tigers and pumas in the wild, yet you sit on your fat cat butt, whining until I fill your pathetic fish-shaped bowl with Purina Natural food pellets?
FIRST WORLD CAT PROBLEM. That is actually hilariously adorable, because I am your human overlord, and I control you.
Dear Gym, sorry that I am so buff that I snapped one of your resistance bands at the gym tonight. I made up for it when I lost control of another resistance band and it slapped me in the forehead. Hope it doesn’t leave a mark.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEM. If it did leave a mark, I’ll post a picture so you can laugh at me.
Dear Readers, I’m sorry you read my boring posts and pathetic excuses for jokes. I’ll end this post now. Feel free to unfollow/unsubscribe/de-friend/etc. Soon, no one will read my blog.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEM. I’ll keep posting though. No one ever let a lack of readers stop them from blogging!